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Author Topic: My online personna....  (Read 3286 times)
elisedance
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« Reply #45 on: June 10, 2013, 01:43:49 PM »

which is I guess, just what P13 just wrote...
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phoenix13
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« Reply #46 on: June 10, 2013, 01:53:12 PM »

I used to fret about it alot.  But then I read this gem on FB:

'Other people's opinions of you are none of your business"

At first I could not understand why - but then gradually I realized that it was totally correct.  If they are wrong its THEIR problem not yours and why would you be honest to someone that does not have your best interests at heart anyway?



This.

Of course, the irony is that, sometimes, the people who do have your best interests at heart also have an incomplete picture or one that hurts and constrains you.  Example: The story my siblings told for years and years about my not being a good dancer and how cute I was, as a little child, to try anyway. That hurt me for a long time, even though they certainly meant well.  They just had no idea how untrue their perception was.

Didn't stop me from accepting their narrative for a very long time ...

At the end of the day, nobody has the whole picture, including me.  So why worry? *shrug*
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elisedance
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« Reply #47 on: June 10, 2013, 06:09:03 PM »

Well, because what they say could really really hurt or worse.

Just thing of all those women that were gossiped about becaues they were declared witches in the middle ages (er, or Salem).  they were tortured and killed. 

Gossip can be more than hurtful, it can be truly harmful. 
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
phoenix13
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« Reply #48 on: June 10, 2013, 06:21:31 PM »

True.  As long as there are places in the world where people can be imprisoned or killed because of what somebody else said, I suppose you are right.

OTOH, since I'm usually not a witch, I've found it very empowering to think what I think of myself, regardless.   Which is not to say I give myself a free pass. I don't.  But having someone spew their venom in a moment of anger no longer shakes my belief in myself.  And having someone enable my neuroses or self-defeating behavior ... well. I know they mean well, but I still hold myself accountable.

I think it's a function of age.  The older  I get, them more I yam what I yam.  (I used to love Popeye.   Grin)
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elisedance
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« Reply #49 on: June 10, 2013, 07:21:15 PM »

but what if everyone you knew on an on-line community were talking about you behind your back and spreading falsehoods - ones that led to you being kicked out of the group? 

Of course it really means you should never be part of that group but the unfairness of it can hurt ...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
SwingWaltz
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« Reply #50 on: June 10, 2013, 08:05:07 PM »

I've been told recently that I am a completely different person in real-life vs on Facebook.
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elisedance
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« Reply #51 on: June 10, 2013, 10:24:45 PM »

I've been told recently that I am a completely different person in real-life vs on Facebook.
thats a relief!

Smiley
Don't mean to be rude, but can you imagine anyone actually being like that (that being FB of course)!
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
phoenix13
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« Reply #52 on: June 11, 2013, 05:58:46 AM »

Funny.  Most people I know don't post enough on FB for me to have any clear impression of them at all. Hmm.  Must ponder.  I think I have most things set so that only close friends can see them. that way, I don't bombard mere acquaintances with stuff like "P13 is eating pizza" and "P13 likes cute fuzzy things."  I hope.  

That's the way I like it -- so that I keep abreast of the important stuff but don't overload anyone with TMI.  FB isn't a place for intimate relationships, I don't think.

Must revisit my settings.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2013, 06:31:47 AM by phoenix13 » Logged

Dona nobis pacem.
phoenix13
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« Reply #53 on: June 11, 2013, 06:21:03 AM »

but what if everyone you knew on an on-line community were talking about you behind your back and spreading falsehoods - ones that led to you being kicked out of the group?  

Of course it really means you should never be part of that group but the unfairness of it can hurt ...


Sounds like you're talking about your experience with Dance Forums.  Wow.  they really hurt you.

What can I say?  A lot of the time, even people who do things that feel horribly heinous are never going to apologize, take responsibility,or even agree that what they did was wrong or hurtful.

I don't know anything about your DF experience because I wasn't active in the forum at that time, although a mutual friend did tell me that it was bad. I don't think that friend was the only one who supported you at the time, since quite a few people came over to PDO to help you get things started here. And a lot of people were cognizant of your treatment and have said so in the DF thread here in PDO.  So not everybody was talking bad about you behind your back, even though it may have seemed so at the time.

What I have realized after going through a lot of other-caused adversity in life is that if I'm going to get over it, I have to get over it.  The people who "done me wrong" are fine.  They were probably fine even while they were doing me wrong.  It's up to me to throw it off and move on.If I don't, I allow them to re-injure me every day or at least every time I dwell on what was done to me.  Then they win and I lose ... every day.

I don't want to assume that that is what you're talking about nor do I presume to know how you should handle it.  But if that is what you're referring to I can say that, if I were in your shoes, I would try to make PDO the best possible community. It's been four years.  The people at DF are not going to apologize or even attempt to change the way they treated you.  All you can do is live well.  That really is the best revenge.

My two cents.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2013, 07:04:33 AM by phoenix13 » Logged

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phoenix13
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« Reply #54 on: June 11, 2013, 06:37:03 AM »

Funny.  Most people I know don't post enough on FB for me to have any clear impression of them at all. Hmm.  Must ponder.  I think I have most things set so that only close friends can see them. that way, I don't bombard mere acquaintances with stuff like "P13 is eating pizza" and "P13 likes cute fuzzy things."  I hope.  

That's the way I like it -- so that I keep abreast of the important stuff but don't overload anyone with TMI.  FB isn't a place for intimate relationships, I don't think.

Must revisit my settings.

Actually,this reminds me of a commercial (for Toyota?) in which a girl who looks to be a teenager is sitting at her computer, talking to herself about having 700-and-something "friends" online, while feeling sorry for her "old" parents,who are out having fun with two real life friends.

A commercial for our times.  Not putting down FB,through which I have reconnected with a lot of IRL friends and made some new ones, but it does have its limitations.

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Dona nobis pacem.
phoenix13
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« Reply #55 on: June 11, 2013, 06:42:44 AM »

Here's that commercial,for the folks who live in places where it probably never aired (such as outside the US.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUGmcb3mhLM



ETA: To correct grammar and note that it's 687 friends, not 700+. My memory's not bad I suppose, especially when you consider that the commercial is more than two years old.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2013, 05:07:13 PM by phoenix13 » Logged

Dona nobis pacem.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #56 on: June 11, 2013, 07:38:39 AM »

I used to fret about it alot.  But then I read this gem on FB:

'Other people's opinions of you are none of your business"

At first I could not understand why - but then gradually I realized that it was totally correct.  If they are wrong its THEIR problem not yours and why would you be honest to someone that does not have your best interests at heart anyway?



This is also a founding priniciple of NVC and captured in this quote from a novel:


"Approval and disapproval alike satisfy those who deliver it more than those who receive it. I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without.”
? Gregory Maguire

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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
phoenix13
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« Reply #57 on: June 11, 2013, 07:52:44 AM »

I appreciate so much your having shared that book with me, btm.  It made a positive difference for me. Smiley
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Dona nobis pacem.
SwingWaltz
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« Reply #58 on: June 11, 2013, 08:31:32 AM »

I've been told recently that I am a completely different person in real-life vs on Facebook.
thats a relief!

Smiley
Don't mean to be rude, but can you imagine anyone actually being like that (that being FB of course)!

That's true! I can't imagine myself or don't want to imagine myself with 700+ "friends" in real life.  Shocked
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elisedance
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« Reply #59 on: June 11, 2013, 10:33:35 AM »

I've been told recently that I am a completely different person in real-life vs on Facebook.
thats a relief!

Smiley
Don't mean to be rude, but can you imagine anyone actually being like that (that being FB of course)!

That's true! I can't imagine myself or don't want to imagine myself with 700+ "friends" in real life.  Shocked
but its a misnomer - if you substitute 'network' for 'friend' it starts to make sense.  But NetworkBook doesn't sound nearly as social does it Roll Eyes Tongue
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
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