partnerdanceonline.com
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
November 26, 2014, 01:33:04 PM

Login with username, password and session length
Search:     Advanced search
A lot of people are visiting Smiley Smiley
Undecided Undecided but not many are posting....
please say hi Cheesy
116513 Posts in 1857 Topics by 223 Members
Latest Member: dancewithmetoronto
* Home Help Search Calendar Login Register
+  partnerdanceonline.com
|-+  Whats on your mind?
| |-+  Pastimes & Chatter...
| | |-+  Just to chat... (Moderators: QPO, Rugby, Lioness)
| | | |-+  Good Jokes
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 Print
Author Topic: Good Jokes  (Read 5834 times)
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #30 on: June 16, 2010, 10:36:46 AM »

OK.  You got me in stiches...
where did you find them?
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #31 on: June 16, 2010, 11:31:04 AM »

oh just googled them...
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #32 on: July 28, 2010, 07:30:53 AM »

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this? He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #33 on: July 28, 2010, 08:03:57 AM »

...
.................................................................................  Cheesy
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #34 on: September 09, 2010, 07:36:06 AM »

The Vancouver Blizzard

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional 1/4 centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Lower Mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.

Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.

Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver’s most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several people have been shocked to learn that their SUV’s actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.

Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras were flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.

“The government has to do something,” snarled an angry Trevor Brockton. “I didn’t pay $450,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto”.
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2010, 10:45:00 AM »

Bob Newhart once said, "I don't like country music. I don't mean to denigrate those who do like country music. And for those of you who like country music, 'denigrate' means to put down."

(lifted from violinist.com)
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #36 on: September 16, 2010, 06:24:01 AM »

Top Soprano Jokes
Opera Humor Passed from Generation to Generation
Mar 6, 2007 Bryce Westervelt

Opera Jokes, especially soprano jokes, have been passed from generation to generation in musical circles. Here is a list of some of the top soprano jokes of all-time.
   
These are, by far, not the only soprano jokes out there, but here is a list to get you started as you poke fun at your favorite soprano! These are common opera jokes that have been passed on from generation to generation. Some are actually true, especially the last joke on the list. Enjoy! (and for more jokes visit our jokes about tenors)

What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
•You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
•The lipstick.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
•The jewelry.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average American football offensive lineman?
•Stage makeup.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian tenor?
•About 10 pounds.
What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
•Eleven pounds.
How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
•The horses seem very relieved.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
•One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
•Two. One to hold the diet soda and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
•Three. One to do it, her understudy, and one to say she could have done it better.
•Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
•Puts on her clothes and goes home.
What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?
•Looks for her instrument.
How do you know when there's a singer at the door?
•She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
•Some people actually like sewer rats.
What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
•One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
•So tenors can understand them.


Read more at Suite101: Top Soprano Jokes: Opera Humor Passed from Generation to Generation http://www.suite101.com/content/top-soprano-jokes-a15433#ixzz0zgdaoBcx
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #37 on: September 17, 2010, 07:39:50 AM »

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #38 on: November 09, 2010, 11:17:00 AM »

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was
 
' DON'T !'
'Don't what ? ' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit!  ‘ said God.

 
'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was hacked off !

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.

 

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'I Did not ! '
'Yes you did ! '
'I DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
 
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN' AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN'!!!!!

Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #39 on: November 09, 2010, 11:37:04 AM »

love it... and I'm about to get my first reward Wink
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #40 on: November 27, 2010, 05:42:54 AM »

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo&feature=fvw
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
cdnsalsanut
Bronze
*
Posts: 256



« Reply #41 on: November 28, 2010, 01:29:37 AM »

Animal lovers I think you'll like this one. I did!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html
Logged

"There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them."
~Vicki Baum
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #42 on: November 28, 2010, 02:38:43 AM »

Lets hear it for cats..
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #43 on: December 14, 2010, 10:56:02 AM »


December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a
Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times
for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes
================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle
doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist,
you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes
================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.

You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes
=================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.

Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes
================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind
of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with 8 maids a
milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but
they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house.

You must think you're really cute...please cut it out.

Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Bonehead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
let me tell you, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972

You rotten jerk:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been playing around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes
================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen you "#$%*_"

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? You've
turned my home into a brothel. Those pipers got incredibly drunk on the egg
nog, ran through the maids. All twenty-three of the birds are dead.
They've been trampled to death in all the ruckus.

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,
Agnes
================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Happy Holidays,
Law Offices

Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35035


ee


« Reply #44 on: February 04, 2011, 03:49:18 AM »

How do you tell a jazz guitarist from a rock guitarist?

The rock guitarist knows three cords and plays them to thousands of people...
Logged

If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 Print 
« previous next »
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.11 | SMF © 2006-2008, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!