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Author Topic: Good Jokes  (Read 5465 times)
Rugby
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« Reply #15 on: June 10, 2009, 11:31:31 PM »

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
 
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy.
 
Jacob suggests they go in.
 
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the Pharmacist ?'

The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'
 
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
 
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
 
Pharmacist: 'All kinds .'
 
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
 
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
 
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
 
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
 
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
 
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
 
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
 
Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
TangoDancer
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« Reply #16 on: June 15, 2009, 03:55:55 AM »

^   Cheesy  ROFL
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The most beautiful part of the dance is often found in between the steps... and in the movement within the stillness.
Vagabond
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~ Mai Più Senza! ~


« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2009, 04:18:38 AM »

Jeff Masters, from Weather Underground: "A proven way to reduce the incidence of dangerous weather phenomena is to schedule a multi-million dollar field experiment to study the phenomena."  Ain't it the truth.   Roll Eyes
Absolutely
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Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2009, 05:11:16 AM »

How I Met my Wife
Anyway, I thought I'd post this pareil tale of bridled passion.
How I met my wife
by Jack Winter
Published 25 July 1994 - The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Lioness
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« Reply #19 on: June 19, 2009, 08:15:08 AM »

Lol. I love that BTM
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elisedance
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ee


« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2009, 03:59:21 AM »

I'd say it was totally pressing!
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
MusicChica
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« Reply #21 on: July 02, 2009, 01:58:56 PM »

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car ... To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going?

Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready  for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so  guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... it's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she  says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger.  "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps  until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will  talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every  possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!
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Rugby
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« Reply #22 on: July 02, 2009, 10:24:08 PM »

 blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant...
and that in fact he's never heard of it before.
The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "But we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
 She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom..."
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
elisedance
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« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2009, 07:37:12 PM »

euch...
the big question R is how did this joke get into the 'Good Jokes' topic Huh
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Rugby
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« Reply #24 on: August 04, 2009, 10:26:05 PM »

Getting Older

I have been guilty of looking at others my own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old.........I'm sure you've done the same......You may enjoy this short story....
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 20 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1980."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #25 on: August 05, 2009, 07:31:59 AM »

Getting Older

I have been guilty of looking at others my own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old.........I'm sure you've done the same......You may enjoy this short story....
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 20 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1980."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"


so what did you teach, I'm curious to know?
Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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ee


« Reply #26 on: August 06, 2009, 12:57:10 AM »

(ice, ice, ice) manners, you old codger, manners (ice, ice, ice)
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #27 on: August 06, 2009, 06:13:30 AM »

why the ice?
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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ee


« Reply #28 on: October 16, 2009, 03:49:22 AM »

icy cold expression thats all....
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #29 on: June 16, 2010, 10:09:10 AM »

From Canadian Jokes to Canadian Sarcasm
Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, following are some silly questions asked by people from all over the world. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were really asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!  
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.  

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.  

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.  

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.  

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?  

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.  

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.  

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.  

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.  

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.  

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.  

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.  

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.  

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.  

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.  

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

 Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Cheesy
WARNING: Warning: this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days.
Unless you're sure you want to reply, please consider starting a new topic.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2010, 10:11:33 AM by Bordertangoman » Logged

”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
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