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Author Topic: Good Jokes  (Read 5554 times)
Rugby
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« on: May 20, 2009, 01:17:10 AM »

How about some good but semi-clean jokes you want to share.
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
Rugby
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Posts: 3599



« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2009, 01:23:36 AM »

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
 

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
 

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
 

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.  We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
 

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.  The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.  So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.  'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.  'That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. 
 

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat a** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
 

The cab driver hit a parked car.

 



 

 

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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
cornutt
Administrator
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Posts: 1845


« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2009, 11:52:21 AM »

The farmer and his wife go to the doctor with a complaint.  "Doc", the farmer says, "my wife, she jest keeps poppin' out them babies!  And we-uns don't know how to make 'em stop!"

The wise old country doctor says, "Have your wife sleep with her feet in a ten-gallon bucket.  That will fix it."

Well, a couple of months later, they come back.  "Doc", the farmer says, "she's pregnant again!"

The doctor asks, "Has your wife been sleeping with her feet in a ten-gallon bucket?"

The farmer says, "Well, doc, we ain't got no ten-gallon bucket.  So we used two five-gallon ones!"
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Rugby
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Posts: 3599



« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2009, 03:43:19 PM »

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

 
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

 
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased . . . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .




 

 
And Cat didn't give a flower one way or the other....

 
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
emeralddancer
Intermediate Gold
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Posts: 2979

Nottingham, MD (by way of NJ)


« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2009, 11:03:00 AM »

Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly and Gower Champion were sharing a
limousine to MGM. A short distance from the studio, however, they
found to their dismay that a bridge they needed to cross had
collapsed, leaving them across a fast-flowing river from the
studio.

Undeterred, Fred declared, "We're dancers! We'll 'dance' across!"
Having spoken, he gathered himself, spun around a couple of
times, and nimbly danced across the surface of the river.
Gene agreed, "Good idea Fred!" He jumped up, and also danced
across the surface of the water.

Gower Champion said to himself, "What Fred and Gene can do, I can
do too!" So he took a deep breath, and jumped out onto the water-
and promptly sank. Not wanting to lose out, he climbed out, took
another deep breath, leaped- and promptly sank again.

Across the river, Fred and Gene watched as Gower kept falling in
and climbing out and falling in. Finally, Gene turned to Fred and
said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

And Fred looked at Gene, puzzled, and said, "What stones?!"
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It is more important who they are as people and only then is it important who they are as dancers.~Marcia Haydee
MusicChica
Intermediate Silver
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Posts: 1325


« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2009, 03:05:05 PM »

The farmer and his wife go to the doctor with a complaint.  "Doc", the farmer says, "my wife, she jest keeps poppin' out them babies!  And we-uns don't know how to make 'em stop!"

The wise old country doctor says, "Have your wife sleep with her feet in a ten-gallon bucket.  That will fix it."

Well, a couple of months later, they come back.  "Doc", the farmer says, "she's pregnant again!"

The doctor asks, "Has your wife been sleeping with her feet in a ten-gallon bucket?"

The farmer says, "Well, doc, we ain't got no ten-gallon bucket.  So we used two five-gallon ones!"


You know you live in Alabama when... Cheesy Wink
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Rugby
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Posts: 3599



« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2009, 01:36:59 AM »

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?  THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
Rugby
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Posts: 3599



« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2009, 02:00:57 AM »

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:  Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember fairies are female.....
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
elisedance
Administrator
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Posts: 35013


ee


« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2009, 03:27:01 AM »

The moral of this story:  Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember fairies are female.....

nice touch!
(now where IS that wand?)
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
SwingWaltz
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Posts: 5772


« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2009, 04:28:59 AM »

LMAO!
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Dora-Satya Veda
Gold Star
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Posts: 6871


« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2009, 06:01:52 PM »

Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly and Gower Champion were sharing a
limousine to MGM. A short distance from the studio, however, they
found to their dismay that a bridge they needed to cross had
collapsed, leaving them across a fast-flowing river from the
studio.

Undeterred, Fred declared, "We're dancers! We'll 'dance' across!"
Having spoken, he gathered himself, spun around a couple of
times, and nimbly danced across the surface of the river.
Gene agreed, "Good idea Fred!" He jumped up, and also danced
across the surface of the water.

Gower Champion said to himself, "What Fred and Gene can do, I can
do too!" So he took a deep breath, and jumped out onto the water-
and promptly sank. Not wanting to lose out, he climbed out, took
another deep breath, leaped- and promptly sank again.

Across the river, Fred and Gene watched as Gower kept falling in
and climbing out and falling in. Finally, Gene turned to Fred and
said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

And Fred looked at Gene, puzzled, and said, "What stones?!"


good one
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"As we understand more things, everthing is becoming simpler"

Edward Teller
Dora-Satya Veda
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Posts: 6871


« Reply #11 on: June 05, 2009, 06:03:13 PM »

I also like your two Rugby. Ladies here we come Tongue
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"As we understand more things, everthing is becoming simpler"

Edward Teller
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #12 on: June 06, 2009, 01:49:06 PM »

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Rugby
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Gold
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Posts: 3599



« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2009, 10:26:42 PM »

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!

Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man.

"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
cornutt
Administrator
Silver
*****
Posts: 1845


« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2009, 02:14:19 AM »

Jeff Masters, from Weather Underground: "A proven way to reduce the incidence of dangerous weather phenomena is to schedule a multi-million dollar field experiment to study the phenomena."  Ain't it the truth.   Roll Eyes
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