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Author Topic: Bad Jokes  (Read 15659 times)
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #240 on: February 09, 2011, 09:13:34 AM »

[I think we already have these BTM Wink  much, as a canadian resident, as I love to see them again...]


I think you are right but it was worth it.... Grin
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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« Reply #241 on: February 09, 2011, 12:23:24 PM »

Nice to see the Canadians not in the butt-end of the joke Wink

England used to have 'Irish' jokes and the Polish ones; Jewish jokes are ancient but died out with anti-semitism awareness.  Here they had neufie jokes (newfoundland);  each culture seems to need some minority to ridicule as a group.  And the practice is, of course, very harmful since it sets up a stereotype.

I wonder if anyone has yankee jokes?
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NZ_Guy
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« Reply #242 on: February 09, 2011, 01:31:06 PM »

Nice to see the Canadians not in the butt-end of the joke Wink

England used to have 'Irish' jokes and the Polish ones; Jewish jokes are ancient but died out with anti-semitism awareness.  Here they had neufie jokes (newfoundland);  each culture seems to need some minority to ridicule as a group.  And the practice is, of course, very harmful since it sets up a stereotype.

I wonder if anyone has yankee jokes?

Jokes that involve Americans that I've heard, I seem to recall having either or both of superfluity and (usually failed) one-upmanship/boastfulness.  One poor joke I heard as a kid involved a conversation between an American and someone from a third-world country. The American was boasting about how various products consumed in the third-world country are actually reprocessed by-products or waste of American products. Eventually the other person directs his attention to the chewing gum that is stereotypically ubiquitous (at that time) amongst Americans. "Yeah, thanks for buying our used condoms."

Geographical or cultural ignorance is another theme. As is their religiosity (at the expense of science and rationality) and patriotism or militarism. And horrible tasteless beer. (I once had a Budweizer. Never agian.)

But I love this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E837tnxRVS0 - particularly the stereotypical name of his American acquaintance (admittedly I'm a bit of fan of David Mitchell - watch his 'I refuse to dance rant' if you haven't :p )
« Last Edit: February 09, 2011, 01:40:15 PM by NZ_Guy » Logged

-T.

Hanging out on the friendlier dance forum.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #243 on: February 10, 2011, 08:20:08 AM »

that was good  Smiley
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
samina
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« Reply #244 on: February 10, 2011, 09:38:34 AM »

Origin of joke: my father. Someone at church sent it to him. Smiley Grin
****************************

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'   

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'   
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'   
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'   
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'   
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'   
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'   

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted... Cool Grin
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elisedance
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« Reply #245 on: February 10, 2011, 12:50:30 PM »

Grin Grin Grin rating Cheesy
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #246 on: February 16, 2011, 09:38:01 AM »

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted. ?Cause your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.?
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
samina
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« Reply #247 on: February 16, 2011, 09:52:35 AM »

#2: Cheesy

#5:  Cool Grin Cool
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Some guy
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« Reply #248 on: February 16, 2011, 01:11:20 PM »

Hilarious!!!
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elisedance
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« Reply #249 on: February 16, 2011, 01:28:48 PM »

Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Grin

thanks BTM...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
cornutt
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« Reply #250 on: July 28, 2011, 11:27:57 PM »

A ballet dancer walks into a barre.  She says, "Ouch!"
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elisedance
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« Reply #251 on: July 29, 2011, 07:22:59 AM »

A ballet dancer walks into a barre.  She says, "Ouch!"

Tongue Tongue
A drunk walks into a barre, he says 'Jette me a drrink!"

[OK so mine is worse than yours - but round here thats a good thing...]
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

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Some guy
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« Reply #252 on: August 01, 2011, 04:35:23 PM »

Lol!!!
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samina
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« Reply #253 on: August 06, 2011, 08:42:19 PM »


But I love this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E837tnxRVS0 - particularly the stereotypical name of his American acquaintance (admittedly I'm a bit of fan of David Mitchell - watch his 'I refuse to dance rant' if you haven't :p )
hah - liked that one Smiley
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #254 on: August 12, 2011, 11:54:55 AM »

The Chinese Gardener and His Horse

That honesty is the best policy is nowhere better illustrated than in the following tale.

Many years ago there was a Chinese market gardener who had a horse for sale. It was a handsome animal, fat and sleek.

A man came to look at it one day, and was very taken with it. He asked the Chinaman its age, had a close look at its teeth, and convinced himself that it was sound in wind and limb.

It surprised him, therefore, when the Chinese gardener kept saying, "He not look too well."

"I can't say I agree with you," said the prospective buyer. "He looks quite well to me. In fact, I'd say he's in excellent condition."

The deal was completed and the man took the horse away.

Several days later he came back, and angrily strode up to the Chinese gardener as he tended his cabbages. "You didn't tell me that horse was blind in one eye!" he roared.

"Yes I did," said the Chinaman blandly. "I tell you he not look too well, didn't I?"
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
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