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Author Topic: Bad Jokes  (Read 15823 times)
Some guy
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« Reply #210 on: August 05, 2010, 11:45:40 AM »

I'd like to die like my grand father did, peacefully, in his sleep, ...and not like the frantic screaming passengers in his car at the time.   
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elisedance
Administrator
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ee


« Reply #211 on: August 05, 2010, 08:13:08 PM »

er, whats a 'not tooth'?
...obviously I'm not chewing this one over...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Some guy
Intermediate Silver
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Posts: 1464


« Reply #212 on: August 06, 2010, 12:25:57 AM »

er, whats a 'not tooth'?
...obviously I'm not chewing this one over...
There, I fixed it.
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Bordertangoman
Gold Star
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #213 on: August 06, 2010, 07:43:48 AM »

er, whats a 'not tooth'?
...obviously I'm not chewing this one over...

forseeth, though art a vexootious domsylle
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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« Reply #214 on: August 06, 2010, 10:15:14 PM »

er, whats a 'not tooth'?
...obviously I'm not chewing this one over...

forseeth, though art a vexootious domsylle

an irritating hut?  but I'd love to see the 'Though Art'...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #215 on: September 09, 2010, 07:39:10 AM »

Now That’s Not Very Canadian!

Sitting together on a train and travelling through the Canadian Rockies were an American guy, a Canadian guy, an elderly little Greek lady and a young blond girl with enormous breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek. The blond girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady instead and she slapped his cheek. The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #216 on: September 09, 2010, 07:40:36 AM »

Every Quarter Counts

A dad walks into a food market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes his son has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive but serious looking women in a tailored business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the morning paper and places it on the counter. She gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurried across the food market.

Reaching the boy, the women carefully takes hold of the boy’s private parts and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then even more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the women deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the women hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure his son was suffering no ill effects, the father rushes over to the women and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anyone retrieve money quite that way. You were fantastic. Are you a doctor?”.

“No,” the women replies. “I work for Revenue Canada.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #217 on: September 09, 2010, 07:43:04 AM »

Small Town Alberta

One dark night outside a small town in rural Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I’ll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Mundare Rural Township Volunteer Fire Department, composed mainly of Ukrainian men over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer, sleeker engines parked outside the plant . . . and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed in the area. Within a short time, the Mundare Ukrainians had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell”, said Surgo Sputski, the 70 year old fire chief, ‘da furst ting ve gonna do is feex da brakes on dat f***ing truck!!!”.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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« Reply #218 on: September 09, 2010, 10:42:58 AM »

thanks BTM - nothing like a morning laugh...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #219 on: September 09, 2010, 10:47:09 AM »

thanks BTM - nothing like a morning laugh...

al part of my anti-depression therapy ( and the abscence of anything constructive to do at work)
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
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Posts: 35013


ee


« Reply #220 on: September 09, 2010, 08:13:28 PM »

Well, I was on a high to start with so this was even easier to enjoy
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
***
Posts: 6088



« Reply #221 on: September 14, 2010, 10:19:00 AM »

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
Blackpool Finalist
*****
Posts: 35013


ee


« Reply #222 on: September 14, 2010, 07:59:01 PM »

only thing wrong is there is nothing bad about that joke - ee
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
samina
Silver
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Posts: 1584



« Reply #223 on: September 14, 2010, 09:42:38 PM »



The Canadian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

hah! i like... Smiley
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samina
Silver
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Posts: 1584



« Reply #224 on: September 14, 2010, 09:44:24 PM »



“Vell”, said Surgo Sputski, the 70 year old fire chief, ‘da furst ting ve gonna do is feex da brakes on dat f***ing truck!!!”.


excellent. um... wrong thread. these are quite good.  Cool Roll Eyes
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