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Author Topic: Bad Jokes  (Read 15737 times)
elisedance
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« Reply #180 on: May 28, 2010, 05:49:36 PM »

(wasn't that an infamous druggie?)
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
elisedance
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« Reply #181 on: June 03, 2010, 02:09:47 PM »

Man walks into a bar and asks the barman:
"Whats the quickest way to Johnstown"
Barman: "Are you walking or driving?"
"driving"
"Thats the quickest way."
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
elisedance
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« Reply #182 on: June 12, 2010, 06:57:14 PM »

was that so bad it didn't even reach the mention point?
Yay me!!!
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
QPO
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« Reply #183 on: June 14, 2010, 09:07:44 AM »

have not looked for ages...yes that was a bad one, funny but bad! Shocked
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #184 on: June 16, 2010, 10:05:59 AM »

You may be living in Canada if:

•Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
•Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there
•You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
•“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
•You measure distance in hours
•You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
•You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
•You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
•You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
•You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them ( i think that means jump leads)
•You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
•The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
•Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
•You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
•You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
•You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly
•If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada! Smiley
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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« Reply #185 on: June 16, 2010, 12:43:38 PM »

You may be living in Canada if:

•Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
•Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there
•You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
•“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
•You measure distance in hours
•You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
•You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
•You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
•You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
•You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them ( i think that means jump leads)
•You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
•The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
•Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
•You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
•You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
•You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly
•If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada! Smiley
You definitely got me... cept 2 degrees is 'nice'
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #186 on: July 01, 2010, 11:48:39 AM »

God and Canada
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, the Archangel Michael found him, resting on the seventh day. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sign of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is gooing to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people of Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait till you see the loud-mouthed sweethearts I'm putting right next to them...."

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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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« Reply #187 on: July 01, 2010, 12:42:28 PM »

OK - you got me laughing out loud.  Until, that is, I realized I'm also Statsian Shocked
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #188 on: July 05, 2010, 04:22:05 AM »

OK - you got me laughing out loud.  Until, that is, I realized I'm also Statsian Shocked

I'm told its good to laugh at yourself..... Lips sealed
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
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Posts: 35006


ee


« Reply #189 on: July 05, 2010, 05:17:54 AM »

OK - you got me laughing out loud.  Until, that is, I realized I'm also Statsian Shocked

I'm told its good to laugh at yourself..... Lips sealed

True, and with a link to four different countries I have a lot of material to laugh about...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Some guy
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« Reply #190 on: July 06, 2010, 11:44:53 AM »

I'm told its good to laugh at yourself..... Lips sealed
Yes, otherwise others will do it for you!  Wink
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elisedance
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« Reply #191 on: July 06, 2010, 01:45:51 PM »

I'm told its good to laugh at yourself..... Lips sealed
Yes, otherwise others will do it for you!  Wink
not so bad - as long as you are all laughing together at the end...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Bordertangoman
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #192 on: July 07, 2010, 11:51:42 AM »

I'm told its good to laugh at yourself..... Lips sealed
Yes, otherwise others will do it for you!  Wink
not so bad - as long as you are all laughing together at the end...

i very much doubt it.......... Undecided
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Bordertangoman
Gold Star
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Posts: 6088



« Reply #193 on: July 07, 2010, 11:57:59 AM »

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
elisedance
Administrator
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Posts: 35006


ee


« Reply #194 on: July 07, 2010, 02:30:59 PM »

urk..
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
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