Bad Jokes

[cornutt]

navigator(n): an alligator that never gets lost

[elisedance]

here I am laughing out loud at work.  I'm running the danger of becoming a bad joke...

[Rugby]

Rusty bedsprings by P. Nightly

[elisedance]

(where is the 'groan' emoticon??)

[QPO]

Rusty bedsprings by P. Nightly

At least it is on the right thread 

[Rugby]

Spots on the Wall by Who Flung Poo

[Blue Tango]

Oh goodness, I heard those jokes in school back many moons ago.

Okay, since we've gone there I'm going to go to another bad place; blonde jokes!  It's okay... my AT partner is has lovely platinum hair and I told it to her.   

Okay, blonde goes to the doctor for a check up and the nurse brings her to one of those dismal little rooms with the clinical decor and odd medical posters.  She sees that Ms. Blonde is wearing headphones so she tells the girl to undress for the doctor but to take off the headphones.  The blonde looks worried and says, 'All my clothes?' to which the nurse replies that she can leave her undergarments on, and she leaves the room.

So a few moments later Dr. Doc walks in to see this stunning blonde lady in her undergarments, sitting on that weird cushiony table thing, listening to her headphones.  He's somewhat distracted but manfully pulls himself together and goes to Ms. Patient. 

"Miss, I'm afraid you're going to have to take off the headphones"

The girl frowns prettily and assures the doctor she can not do this.

"Why not?" he asks.

"If I do, I'll die"

The doctor spends the next few minutes assuring his patient that she could not possibly die by merely taking the headphones off, and the girl, being a respectful little thing, is becoming convinced.  At this moment the nurse comes in and tells the doctor he's urgently needed somewhere else.  He tells the girl that he will be no more than ten minutes and asks her if she would please take the headphones off.  With that he leaves the room and closes the door.

Fifteen minutes later (he is a doctor after all) he comes into the room only to find the blonde lady sprawled on the floor, quite dead.  He examines her; no trauma, no untoward signs of anything at all.  He is totally confused by the situation: there is no reason this girl should be dead.  He sees the headphones just a few feet from the blonde girl's hand, and can hear faint sounds coming from them.  Curious, he picks up the 'phones and listens to what is coming out of them.

He hears....

.
.
.
"Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out."   

[Rugby]

Yeah my grandfather told me those two jokes when I was just a kid.  He told me many more like them but I can't remember them now.

[emeralddancer]

   
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 
________________________________________
   
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
 
WITNESS: Yes. 
 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 
WITNESS: I forget.
 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
 
_______________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
 
______________________________________
 
   
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
 
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
 
______________________________________
   
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS: Are you flowerting me? 
 
______________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS: Getting laid. 
______________________________________
   

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 

WITNESS: Yes. 

ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
 
WITNESS: None.
 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 

WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
   

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 
WITNESS: By death. 

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
______________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male. 
 
_______________________________________
 
   
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
 
_______________________________________
 
   
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
 
_______________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 
 
WITNESS: Oral.
 
_______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 
_______________________________________
 
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? _______________________________________
 
   
And the best for last: 
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
 
WITNESS: No. 
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 
WITNESS: No. 
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 
WITNESS: No. 
 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 
WITNESS: No. 
 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
   
 
THINK ABOUT IT...MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS!

[Bordertangoman]

:lol:
Lost in Translation:


In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only.

Sign in an Indian restaurant "AFTER ONE VISIT WE GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE REGULAR"

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

On the label of a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop - Drive Sideways

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

This is a blurb from a chocolate bar wrapper in Japan: Soft and mild, like a Japanese woman. Good flavor and full of juice.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On a Korean kitchen knife - "WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN."

In a Bangkok bar: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

Sign outside a Bangkok bar "THE SHADIEST COCKTAIL BAR IN TOWN."

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

From Singapore: Sir Loin steak with potato cheeps.

Sign in a Sri Lankan swimming pool "DO NOT USE THE DIVING BOARD WHEN THE SWIMMING POOL IS EMPTY."

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

From Macao: Utmost of chicken fried in bother.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

[Dora-Satya Veda]

BTM I love those. I see them all the time.

Last time when I was judging in the Japan the letter to the judges was as following.

For the Judges:

Gentlemen must wear suit at all times. Ladies must wear professional clothing for the day and nightgown for the evening.
You must keep your clothing on all day and night.

[SwingWaltz]

You must keep your clothing on all day and night.

LOL!

[emeralddancer]

nightgown for the evening.

this is funny

[Vagabond]

    * What do you call epileptic lettuce?







----------------------------------------
    * Seizure salad.

[Lioness]

    * What do you call epileptic lettuce?







----------------------------------------
    * Seizure salad.

HA!