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Author Topic: Bad Jokes  (Read 15912 times)
Lioness
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« on: May 16, 2009, 02:32:02 AM »

As suggested by ED...

Here's a list of clever phrases to start us off.

'I'm not wearing my wedding ring,' I said with abandon.

'I'm losing my hair,' he bawled.

'How do I keep this fire going?' she bellowed.

'Use your own toothbrush!' she bristled.

'I love the novels of D.H. Lawrence,' said the lady chattily.

'I won't put the Rottweiler down,' the owner declared doggedly.

'You must be my host,' he guessed.

'Stop burning that aromatic substance,' his father said, incensed.

'I love camping,' he said intently.

'Do you call this a musical?' asked Les miserably.

'I love hot dogs,' said the man with relish.

'I wish I'd bought a flat on that street in Paris,' she said ruefully.

'Some you lose,' he said winsomely.

'Your flies are undone,' was the zippy rejoinder.


---------

Your turn!
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elisedance
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ee


« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2009, 02:39:41 AM »

This is not my topic - I'm hopeless at remembering jokes, said Ambernesia
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QPO
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2009, 02:49:51 AM »

Ok heres one

A women in a nursing home went up to the blokes and said
"Who ever can guess what I have in my hands behind my back, can make love to me"

I guy put up his hand and said "An Elephant"

Her reply

"Close Enough"
 Shocked
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cornutt
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« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2009, 01:04:43 PM »


"Close Enough"


We have a winnah!   Cheesy

I'll start by repeating the classic Stephen Wright bit:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "What is this?  Some kind of joke?"
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2009, 04:18:58 PM »

Books:

"How to Tame Lions" by Claude Balls.


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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
Rugby
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2009, 01:13:20 AM »

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a

 while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help

 but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
 

 The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
 

 The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland

 might you be?"
 

 The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
 

 The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And

 what street did you live on in Dublin?"
 

 The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on

 McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
 

 The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

 And to what school would you have been going?"

 
 The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of

 course."
 

 The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I.

 Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
 

 The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
 

 The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down

 upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in

 the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from

 St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
 

 About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down,

 and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head

 & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the

 Murphy twins are drunk again."

 
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2009, 09:33:42 AM »

Saxophonist joke:

what do clarinetists use for contraception?

their personality!!

 Grin Grin Grin
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
cornutt
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« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2009, 10:35:19 AM »

Oh, we're going to break out the musician jokes!   Grin

One night, a viola player for the Omaha Symphony was visited by an angel.  The angel told him, "I am here to make your professional dreams come true.  Tell me what you want out of your professional life, and I will help you along."

The viola player told the angel, "I want to be a really great viola player."

The angel said, "Okay, practice, and tomorrow night I will transport you to the next stage of your career."

All the next day the viola player practiced.  That night, the angel visited him and said, "When you wake up tomorrow, you will be the principla viola player."  And it was so!  He found himself sitting in the Omaha principal viola's chair the next day.

That night, he told the angel, "This is good, but I want to be better!"  The next day, he awoke to find himself the principal viola player for the Atlanta Symphony. 

This was progress!  After practicing all day, that night, he told the angel, "I want to be even better!"  The next morning, he was the principal viola player of the New York Philharmonic. 

Even better!  That night, he told the angel, "I want to be the world's best viola player!"  The next morning, he was the principal viola player of the Berlin Philharmonic. 

How far could this go?  That night, he told the angel, "I'm not happy being the world's best viola player!  I want to be even better than that!"

The next morning, he found himself playing second violin for the Omaha Symphony.
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SwingWaltz
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« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2009, 11:33:31 AM »

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

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cornutt
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« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2009, 11:38:47 AM »

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?


Tell that to the people who work for Fifth Third Bank in Cincinnati!   Grin  (Whenever we go there, my DW and I refer to it as the "Five-Thirds Bank.")
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2009, 11:41:09 AM »

 two parrots standing on a perch;

One says to the other

"Do you smell something fishy?"
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
cornutt
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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2009, 11:41:51 AM »

That one took me a moment.   Grin
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emeralddancer
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« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2009, 03:14:06 PM »

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her

two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and

welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Heck no, they ain't  twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just  couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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It is more important who they are as people and only then is it important who they are as dancers.~Marcia Haydee
Rugby
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« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2009, 03:33:40 PM »

Love that one.
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
Bordertangoman
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« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2009, 10:06:50 AM »

:lol:
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”We need a witness to our lives.  There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. "
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