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| | |-+  Saying no to a dance --faux pas or forgivable?
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Author Topic: Saying no to a dance --faux pas or forgivable?  (Read 1602 times)
phoenix13
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« on: July 01, 2013, 06:20:04 PM »

This came up on a a FB forum today, from another angle.  The OP of that thread said that she doesn't feel she should have to say yes to dances with hurtful people, unwashed people, etc,that one often encounters at dance socials.

This made me wonder about a basic tenet of dance social etiquette that I was taught from the very beginning:  Don't say no to dances.

Hmm.  What do you all think about refusing dances in a social setting?  Yes?  No?  Maybe?  And in which contexts is dance refusal okay?  Is there anything one can do to make a refusal more acceptable?
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Dona nobis pacem.
elisedance
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ee


« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2013, 09:24:01 PM »

Of course you can.  Anything else makes you chattle - and no you don't have to dance with boors, pigs or clutses.  Just say no.  But please be polite!
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phoenix13
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« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2013, 10:27:35 PM »

I wish it was that simple.   People agonize over the etiquette of refusing or not refusing dances. In some social dance scenes, people's reputations are won or lost.    I don't think it's a matter of say whatever you want or become chattel.  I think it's a matter of social conventions. 
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Dona nobis pacem.
QPO
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« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2013, 08:45:40 AM »

I think we have evolved enough that we can be polite and say no... you can give someone the benefits of the doubt but if they present themselves as EE says they should not be surprised that no-one will danced with them.

I have been a few times to a dance as a single when V was not well and well the men  were embarrassing, one guy who dances with me for tow dances felt we had danced enough for the night that would should share and present as a couple!  The other felt that he had the right to advise me as to how to do the dances as his style was the right way. I wonder if why they have worked out why they are still single! Roll Eyes
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phoenix13
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« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2013, 08:49:51 AM »

Teaching on the dance floor = evil! Definitely grounds for a no in the future.
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elisedance
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ee


« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2013, 06:28:12 AM »

I have been a few times to a dance as a single when V was not well and well the men  were embarrassing, one guy who dances with me for tow dances felt we had danced enough for the night that would should share and present as a couple!  The other felt that he had the right to advise me as to how to do the dances as his style was the right way. I wonder if why they have worked out why they are still single! Roll Eyes
LOL!  Well that's pretty typical for social dancing - the men who are available are self-filtered Tongue
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
phoenix13
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« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2013, 11:10:51 AM »

Unless they're new, in which case I will quote my youth pastor from many moons ago.

"When you find a man who's new to the [insert church or dance scene] give it a little while to make sure he's a good man. But don't wait too long,or else somebody else will get him."
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Dona nobis pacem.
elisedance
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ee


« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2013, 05:46:01 PM »

LOL.  And did your pastor do just that? Roll Eyes
Just sayin'...

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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
phoenix13
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« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2013, 06:34:39 PM »

No.  He was just giving very good advice to us young unmarried women.  Even now, a billion years later, thinking about him makes me smile. Smiley

You have to admit his advice applies to finding dance partners, as well.  Don't wait too long, girls!  Grin
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Dona nobis pacem.
elisedance
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ee


« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2013, 07:12:10 PM »

I would have been very pleased for him if he had Wink

But he's certainly right...
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
millitiz
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Posts: 220


« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2013, 10:03:56 PM »

I wish it was that simple.   People agonize over the etiquette of refusing or not refusing dances. In some social dance scenes, people's reputations are won or lost.    I don't think it's a matter of say whatever you want or become chattel.  I think it's a matter of social conventions. 

It seems to me that you are a more selfless person (on the social dance floor). It seems to me that you try to make everyone happy - well, happy enough, I guess. Which is totally cool.

I am going to make an argument, that even within the context of making everyone happy, accepting every single dancing is counterproductive. Imagine this scenario, there is a person with the reputation of hurting his (or her) partner, and he or she asked you to dance. The hardcore people would say you have to accept it because social etiquette says so. However, social dancing etiquette exists to make sure that most of the people are happy (enough), and since hurting yourself (or at least the risk of it) would a) definitely reduce your own happiness, and more importantly, b) would reduce the total happiness of the whole community because there would be one less partner to dance with. Therefore, from the perspective of "increasing the total happiness of the community," saying no to certain types of partners is not against the principle of social etiquette.

And here is my personal thought on this whole business - I go to social dance for my own pleasure, call me selfish if you want. Now, I truly don't give it a --beeee-- if some people decided to talking names (is that how it is used?) about who I dance and don't dance, so the reputation is less of a problem for me - but then, I am a male, which, purely statistically speaking, gives me an advantageous position in terms of asking/refusing/opportunities to dance.
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phoenix13
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« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2013, 10:14:29 PM »

My take?  Accept every dance you possibly can and, when you just can't, pretend you have to go to the restroom.  Then go to the restroom and sit out one dance as penance. lol. 
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Dona nobis pacem.
millitiz
Intermediate Bronze

Posts: 220


« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2013, 10:41:44 PM »

lol. I also accept all dance - well, unless it is Latin club dance. I do NOT dance salsa or bachata, even if you are my best friends Wink.

As for can't...actually, I have yet to refuse dances (except when it was salsa and bachata).

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elisedance
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ee


« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2013, 11:29:40 PM »

lol. I also accept all dance - well, unless it is Latin club dance. I do NOT dance salsa or bachata, even if you are my best friends Wink.

As for can't...actually, I have yet to refuse dances (except when it was salsa and bachata).


Hmmm.  and where exactly is your studio Roll Eyes  Just wonderin'....
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
cha
Intermediate Bronze

Posts: 42


« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2013, 07:35:34 AM »

Hi everyone!

I too refuse all salsa dances.  I just cannot warm up to the music or the dance and will not put myself through misery to accommodate a request to dance that dance.   And I do and will refuse to dance with any lead who hurts me physically. 
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