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Author Topic: Dancing with your dance partner vs your life partner  (Read 2790 times)
elisedance
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« Reply #30 on: December 20, 2010, 05:06:31 AM »

I would guess that they did - but the husband has dreams of world-conquership.

And good for her - I wish her the best, including husband conquership!!  And I hope she resists running back - once she has a found a new partner who is willing to comit she should stay with him.
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ttd
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« Reply #31 on: December 20, 2010, 08:30:16 PM »


I dont know what impact that would have n the relationship when you feel so agrieved.

Yeah, that's a really difficult situation.   Tongue  Makes me thankful that my DW and I started dancing at the same time, and we've both kept up our lessons.

they did start at the same time.  Undecided
That doesn't always help. One half of the couple might be more ambitious or competitive than the other, and put more effort into their own dancing, and in that case they just might perceive the other half as holding them back.
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elisedance
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« Reply #32 on: December 20, 2010, 08:44:26 PM »

True enough - but its still best to negotiate - perhaps there is a way to keep on dancing one style with the life partner (a great choice would be argentine tango) while continuing ones competetive dancing with a new one.  I know thats a lot of time - but a life partnership is surely worth it...
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QPO
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« Reply #33 on: December 21, 2010, 02:18:29 AM »

that is my concern.. how it will effect the life partnership....I will see how it goes.....dont like to ask too many questions as at the moment it is a raw wound. Roll Eyes
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« Reply #34 on: December 23, 2010, 01:12:29 PM »

What about the possibility that one side of the partnership was indeed holding back the other?  What if the wife didn't want to improve, or preferred to go up a completely different side of the dance pyramid that caused her injuries or made her unable to produce any more than she's physically capable of doing?  I'm seeing this more frequently.  Does the husband then have to abandon all his competitive dreams because of it?  If this were me, I'm sorry, but Argentinian Tango would not be an option 'cause it's not where my heart is. 
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elisedance
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« Reply #35 on: December 23, 2010, 02:44:08 PM »

Well fill in the (dance type) blank!  There must be some kind of dancing the two could do for fun - I mean the husband should be trying to help his wife be happy too.  Salsa, social whatever for the fun of being out together and movin' and grooviin'.  I would certainly do it. 

But you are right, there has to be give and take.  I think the assumption was that the wife wanted to do as much as she could to make the dance partner ship work but the husband simply did not think her good enough.  That might be wrong, I think we need more input from the OP for the specific case, although I think the give and take still is appropriate for the general case...
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QPO
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« Reply #36 on: December 23, 2010, 08:55:19 PM »

What about the possibility that one side of the partnership was indeed holding back the other?  What if the wife didn't want to improve, or preferred to go up a completely different side of the dance pyramid that caused her injuries or made her unable to produce any more than she's physically capable of doing?  I'm seeing this more frequently.  Does the husband then have to abandon all his competitive dreams because of it?  If this were me, I'm sorry, but Argentinian Tango would not be an option 'cause it's not where my heart is. 

I agree with you on that, but I think she was the strnger one of the partnership but I think he saw it otherwise.... but it depends on wht the joint goals were. I know another lady here who is abueatiful dancer but her husband does not have it! but she will not dance with anyone else...Is it worth damaging the relationship when you arenever going to be a Mirko?Huh?

as my father keeps telling me Q you are not playing for cattle stations
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ttd
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« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2011, 10:28:39 PM »

I have to say this somewhere and this seems to be just the place to do so.

<rant alert> Maybe I'm too old to become the next Alessia, but I want to have some competitive success with what's available to me (pro-am competition, that is). And I definitely will never be content to just putter around the floor with poor technique.

My husband on other hand, would be quite content to do just that, as long as we do it together (and in his dream world I would have never started competing). What really annoys me is that he compares our dancing to other local married couples, and of course they're better in his view (and in some ways they are). And frankly the reason we don't stack up is his dancing - I could be Alessia, and I still wouldn't be able to do anything to make us look better (but he doesn't see it, to him it's my fault).

I am not sure why he doesn't progress. He's been dancing on and off for a really, really long time (like since mid-80s, but he took lots of breaks from it), but he just doesn't seem to improve. His teacher is trying to teach him silver smooth waltz and foxtrot (aka continuity style), but it's not sticking. And I was thinking about this a lot - part of it, I think, is that he doesn't want to work on technique because it's boring and not fun, but part of it is the way he thinks in terms of patterns, and not elements. We talked about it one day, and I tried to point out places in american style dances we do where you can mix and match things, but it was met with "but so-and-so taught it this way, so we can't change it"<rant over>
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elisedance
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« Reply #38 on: January 28, 2011, 02:44:50 AM »

ttd:  I had a simpilar problem with my partner - while he loved to learn steps and basic movement technique he resisted like the plague anything that suggested he had to improve either timing or frame.  He is head strong and would not listen to a think I had to say on the topic and he would argue that our teachers were wrong.  Two things finally made him face these issues - first our competition results were continually poor and he would get the occasional comment back from the judges - but the big change was moving to the top instructors in our area (internationally competetive).  He had had to admit they knew what they were saying and ran out of excuses.  But I think the biggest force that changed him was taking lessons with and dancing with our female instructor.  He finally found a teacher he both respected and that was outstanding at teaching him - and he finally admitted he had something to learn.  The effect has been amazing - (I hasten to add its not just him of course but those issues were a road block that prevented us advancing as a couple).

Your situation is obviously different but there is I think a common factor - a man with pride and who cannot see the way to his own (dance) salvation.  There is a big difference unfortunately, my DP really wanted to improve but his own pride was getting in the way.  I'm not sure yours has the same drive to success.  If it is there - if he wants to win medals - erhaps the same cure could work?  I'm suggesting that in his case though dancing pro-am himself might give him the contact time with a female teacher that I think he needs.  And no, you can't do it.  It almost never works.  And in a sense it shouldn't because you do not train a leader by making him follow you, physically or mentally.  A good pro will teach him how to lead, something a good partner knows little of.
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

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QPO
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« Reply #39 on: January 28, 2011, 08:46:19 AM »

I think the biggest thing in a partnership is that you have to acknowledge you are on a journey and you both dont know everything.  when one thinks they know more than other or is better than the other it can cause friction. It is always better to stay humble, but unfortunately some people cant work through that. and friction sets in.....I have sen that in the couple that I know who dumped his wife for another dancer....I see her posts on FB and see her roller coaster ride of emotions. I worry for their marriage and I hope that the decision he has made, will be worth the possible demise of his marrage. Undecided
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ttd
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« Reply #40 on: January 28, 2011, 10:58:37 AM »

No, there's no drive to competitive success on his part. When I just started to compete, we've done some am-am events at st. louis starball as well, and he has done a few events with his teacher, and he just didn't like it. He saw that he doesn't look good, but it was followed with "I don't want to do this again", rather than "what can I do to make it better". And we've done a couple of showcase performances, maybe 7 years ago. I don't remember the details, but it wasn't his cup of tea, either.
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elisedance
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« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2011, 12:51:35 PM »

No, there's no drive to competitive success on his part. When I just started to compete, we've done some am-am events at st. louis starball as well, and he has done a few events with his teacher, and he just didn't like it. He saw that he doesn't look good, but it was followed with "I don't want to do this again", rather than "what can I do to make it better". And we've done a couple of showcase performances, maybe 7 years ago. I don't remember the details, but it wasn't his cup of tea, either.

So maybe you are just going to have to social dance with him for the sake of your marriage....

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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

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ttd
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« Reply #42 on: January 28, 2011, 01:28:16 PM »

No, there's no drive to competitive success on his part. When I just started to compete, we've done some am-am events at st. louis starball as well, and he has done a few events with his teacher, and he just didn't like it. He saw that he doesn't look good, but it was followed with "I don't want to do this again", rather than "what can I do to make it better". And we've done a couple of showcase performances, maybe 7 years ago. I don't remember the details, but it wasn't his cup of tea, either.

So maybe you are just going to have to social dance with him for the sake of your marriage....

I don't mind that per se, what I do mind is when he complains that things don't work, we look worse than mr&mrs A, or I didn't follow what he wanted to do. In particular for the latter, a smartass reply would be "I followed what you actually led, not what you thought you were leading". But that's an invitation for a marital spat. Or the comparison to another couple. If he compared us to our couple who does compete together, that's one thing. They are a good role model, doing decent silver. But the couple he compares us to, well, their technique is not the kind I would want for a role model, they're visibly off-balance, and that's just one observation among many I made after being compared to them. But their choreography is quite imaginative for a social floor because somehow, somewhere they (and especially the leader) learned how to mix and match things, so what they do is not written in any syllabus or taught by any teacher, but it still works. But to get to that point again, the leader has to learn to think at least in terms of elements. There's not much a follower can do about it.
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dlgodud
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« Reply #43 on: January 28, 2011, 02:10:57 PM »

I have just learnt from a dancing firend that her husband has a new partner, he cannot dance with her anymore. Obviosuly there are two sides to the story, but I know she is devastated.

I think sometimes that peoples expectations of the partnership is not, perhaps they think they are better than the other and they are holding them back! Roll Eyes from what I say...it is a journey and those that have come to it late well we are not playing/dancing for cattle stations.

I dont know what impact that would have n the relationship when you feel so agrieved.

Does not bode well (BTDN).  The husband is putting his dancing above his life partnership.  If I were his wife I would find a new dance partner too - I'w willing to bet that he would freak out.  If not perhaps they could develop dancing separately and still have a life-partnership.  Trouble is they might not see each other a whole lot!

And what happens when wife/DP beats husband/DP at a dance comp?  Tongue Undecided

Ouch! A nice revenge!!  Tongue
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QPO
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« Reply #44 on: January 28, 2011, 05:09:28 PM »

No, there's no drive to competitive success on his part. When I just started to compete, we've done some am-am events at st. louis starball as well, and he has done a few events with his teacher, and he just didn't like it. He saw that he doesn't look good, but it was followed with "I don't want to do this again", rather than "what can I do to make it better". And we've done a couple of showcase performances, maybe 7 years ago. I don't remember the details, but it wasn't his cup of tea, either.

sounds like low self esteem and then they dont wont to fail!. Not realising railing is about growing. my son was a bit like that. It might be better to have lessons for longer before going back on the floor, He needs some positive feedback but he really needs to beleive what he hears and that is tough.

I have always said that the best thing I can give my children is good self asteem and his response sounds like he needs some of it too.  Good luck ttd...
« Last Edit: January 28, 2011, 07:47:33 PM by QPO » Logged

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