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Author Topic: Dancing with your dance partner vs your life partner  (Read 2758 times)
elisedance
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« on: October 17, 2010, 04:37:39 AM »

This came up on FB where someone (Am) posted about how she tried to practice with her husband but it just wasn't like dancing with her pro partner.

That sounded a bit odd to me - I mean partner dancing can be about perfecting technique or moves but surely its also about moving with someone you have an intimate relationship with - and to sacrifice the latter for the former sounds dangerous for your relationship.

This also applies even when they are the same person since I can see that it would be easy to start thinking of dancing as something you do solely to improve for competitions - but then you've really lost something in your relationship....
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Lioness
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« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2010, 05:09:02 AM »

About 6 months ago I realised I was getting into the "I dance to improve for comps" rather than "I dance to be with my partner" mindset. I usually keep a balance of both, but the former was starting to become dominant, and it was straining our relationship a bit, mainly because he doesn't really like comps.
I've come to realise that dancing without him wouldn't be quite the same. I love dancing with him, and though we're not perfect dimensions for each other (he's almost a foot taller), we've worked around it.
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elisedance
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« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2010, 07:23:52 AM »

About 6 months ago I realised I was getting into the "I dance to improve for comps" rather than "I dance to be with my partner" mindset. I usually keep a balance of both, but the former was starting to become dominant, and it was straining our relationship a bit, mainly because he doesn't really like comps.
I've come to realise that dancing without him wouldn't be quite the same. I love dancing with him, and though we're not perfect dimensions for each other (he's almost a foot taller), we've worked around it.

Good on you.  Its easy to get obsessed with the dancesport and forget the importance of partnership... (even if you both want to go that route).
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SwingWaltz
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« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2010, 12:03:43 PM »

I think it depends on the stage. Throughout our dancing, our goals may change quite dramatically. Maybe we strive to be the best of the best for a couple of years, then later on we just want to enjoy the sport and art that is ballroom dancing.

For me, I knew that in my competitive days that I couldn't possibly dance with my significant other. But now, my goals has changed, and I'd love to be able to dance with the girl who is both my dance partner and life partner. Not saying that I have retired from competitive dancing (awful young age to retire mind you), but the value of winning a competition now is far less than the enjoyment of being able to dance with the one you love.
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elisedance
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« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2010, 01:17:17 PM »

I think it depends on the stage. Throughout our dancing, our goals may change quite dramatically. Maybe we strive to be the best of the best for a couple of years, then later on we just want to enjoy the sport and art that is ballroom dancing.

For me, I knew that in my competitive days that I couldn't possibly dance with my significant other. But now, my goals has changed, and I'd love to be able to dance with the girl who is both my dance partner and life partner. Not saying that I have retired from competitive dancing (awful young age to retire mind you), but the value of winning a competition now is far less than the enjoyment of being able to dance with the one you love.
Nicely put. 

OTOH lets see how you are when you meet The Perfect (Dance) Partner...
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QPO
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2010, 06:33:26 PM »

I think it depends on the stage. Throughout our dancing, our goals may change quite dramatically. Maybe we strive to be the best of the best for a couple of years, then later on we just want to enjoy the sport and art that is ballroom dancing.

For me, I knew that in my competitive days that I couldn't possibly dance with my significant other. But now, my goals has changed, and I'd love to be able to dance with the girl who is both my dance partner and life partner. Not saying that I have retired from competitive dancing (awful young age to retire mind you), but the value of winning a competition now is far less than the enjoyment of being able to dance with the one you love.

I dance with the with the one I love but I said to him last night that if I could not dance anymore I would still want him to be on the floor, he said he would not,, but why should one have to give up because of the others inability to be able to dance. I said I gave him permission to dance with someone else if I could not. I still have to get my fix somehow! Shocked

Luckily enough we have yet to make that decision.
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cornutt
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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2010, 09:45:47 PM »

This came up on FB where someone (Am) posted about how she tried to practice with her husband but it just wasn't like dancing with her pro partner.

I can see good reasons and not-so-good reasons.  If she's trying to do pro-am and husband isn't a pro, that's pretty much a limiting factor.  Perhaps she could consider doing at least a bit of am-am with her husband, but if there is a big skill difference, it will be an uncomfortable partnership.  And in countries that use point systems, it might be against the rules for them to compete together because she's pointed out of his level or vice versa.

I do see this happen with women sometimes, particularly newbies: A couple starts dancing together, but the woman also dances with a pro (in competition or just socially).  Because the pro is a so much better dancer than hubby is at that point, it's a much more satisfying experience to dance with the pro.  In her head, she then starts to extend this -- if the pro is better than her husband at dancing, what else is he better at?  It becomes a metaphor for whatever is missing from the marriage.  If she can't stop the thought process there, she'll become infatuated with the pro.  In extreme cases, she'll hit on the pro or even stalk him. 

It doesn't happen all that often, but often enough that everyone who has danced for a while has seen it happen at least once.  I wonder sometimes if that's one thing that holds some men back from getting involved in ballroom dancing -- the fear of that negative comparison.  (For the record, I don't think very many women think this way.  Most women I know would be thrilled to have their husbands or boyfriends dance with them, even if it's clunky.)
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elisedance
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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2010, 11:50:52 PM »

Well, if it does happen it surely indicates a big hole in the marriage.  I saw exactly what you describe to the point where the woman followed the pro when he moved....
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ttd
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2010, 07:02:07 PM »

This came up on FB where someone (Am) posted about how she tried to practice with her husband but it just wasn't like dancing with her pro partner.
I can see good reasons and not-so-good reasons.  If she's trying to do pro-am and husband isn't a pro, that's pretty much a limiting factor.  Perhaps she could consider doing at least a bit of am-am with her husband, but if there is a big skill difference, it will be an uncomfortable partnership. ...
That's a good point. My husband and I stopped dancing together a few years ago. We had too many disagreements, especially when we stopped being on the same page as far as the goals go (I am the competitive one, he is the social kind). Anyway, the other day we went to a live band halloween ball together. I told him that if he wants me to go with him, he'd have to dance with me some and I guess he wanted to go with me badly enough that he agreed. I didn't say anything to him, but dancing with him was uncomfortable at times. To be honest, I dread the idea of us taking lessons and practicing together again, I hope he won't do it. The skill gap is so massive at this point (think a guy who spent years doing american bronze pairing up with a girl messing with gold and open), that I have no idea how to make it work beyond a few social dances without having the experience of a pro-am lady teacher. Not to mention that I can't give any feedback to him because it will be poorly received.
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standarddancer
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« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2010, 12:28:08 AM »

I think dancing with your S/O is only possibly work out if skill level is same or one is sllightly higher than the other, if there's big skill level difference, it could be destructive to both partnership and relationship.
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standarddancer
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« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2010, 12:41:04 AM »

This came up on FB where someone (Am) posted about how she tried to practice with her husband but it just wasn't like dancing with her pro partner.
I can see good reasons and not-so-good reasons.  If she's trying to do pro-am and husband isn't a pro, that's pretty much a limiting factor.  Perhaps she could consider doing at least a bit of am-am with her husband, but if there is a big skill difference, it will be an uncomfortable partnership. ...
That's a good point. My husband and I stopped dancing together a few years ago. We had too many disagreements, especially when we stopped being on the same page as far as the goals go (I am the competitive one, he is the social kind). Anyway, the other day we went to a live band halloween ball together. I told him that if he wants me to go with him, he'd have to dance with me some and I guess he wanted to go with me badly enough that he agreed. I didn't say anything to him, but dancing with him was uncomfortable at times. To be honest, I dread the idea of us taking lessons and practicing together again, I hope he won't do it. The skill gap is so massive at this point (think a guy who spent years doing american bronze pairing up with a girl messing with gold and open), that I have no idea how to make it work beyond a few social dances without having the experience of a pro-am lady teacher. Not to mention that I can't give any feedback to him because it will be poorly received.

I had a non-dancing S/O a few years ago, that time I had been competing seriously at am champ level; S/O was trying to go dance with me or hopes me to teach him so he can "catch up" my level, I didn't even want to try, I know the skill level is too significant, it's never gonna to work out, I was trying to convince him to take single lessons from my other champ level or pro lady friends if he really wants to learn dance, and he declined, he keeps saying best if I teach him so we can spend time together. So it never happened, since I'm too busy to teach my own bf, plus I prefer to keep personal and business relationship clean, I'd rather he takes lessons from others (I don't like to date students either) and we meet afterward for regular dating staff like movie or dinner; but he was not happy with this, maybe he didn't want to pay my other lady friends either, just hoped to get free lessons from me and wishes me to eventually fire my champ level am partner for him which was just totally impossible for me. Anyway, we could never reached agreement, and he didn't show enough understanding of me spending significant time with my am champ level partner to practice, so eventually we had to part our ways, oh well, I didn't regret that, I think even though I listened to him and started to train him, he would never be able to catch my level, plus relationship would had been destroyed anyway, but a longer and more painful way.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2010, 12:43:32 AM by standarddancer » Logged

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elisedance
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« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2010, 06:16:28 AM »

Tough SD - and you are right it was unreasonable for your SO to pressure you to that extent.

Perhaps its hard for a SO to realize that dancing is a career for some.  If you were a physician or university professor they would never think of asking you to train them or learning by themselves so that they could catch up. 

Perhaps thats the way to approach it - "This is my career - if you want the same one, well go learn what I had to learn to do it."
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elisedance
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« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2010, 06:17:24 AM »

I think dancing with your S/O is only possibly work out if skill level is same or one is sllightly higher than the other, if there's big skill level difference, it could be destructive to both partnership and relationship.

Exactly.  Of course just because they are the same level does not mean it willl work out either (been there, done that).
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standarddancer
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« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2010, 11:38:28 PM »

I think dancing with your S/O is only possibly work out if skill level is same or one is sllightly higher than the other, if there's big skill level difference, it could be destructive to both partnership and relationship.

Exactly.  Of course just because they are the same level does not mean it willl work out either (been there, done that).

That's very true too...
« Last Edit: November 01, 2010, 01:49:46 AM by elisedance » Logged

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« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2010, 03:40:28 AM »

I just feel so happy dancing with my life parnter as I can share the glory with him...of course the dissapointments as well, but it is nice to share....and if you have a partner that does not dance the moment can be lost when you try to explain your excitment....and they have no interest in it. Roll Eyes
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