Dealing With Partners WHo Get Rough/Excessive Force

[Burgess Penguin]

Not a real frequent occurrence with me by any stretch, but man, sometimes I just wonder, how do you tactfully tell someone that they're using excessive force while dancing with you. I know that this happens more with women dancers, but sometimes us guys get it too.

What triggered this was a couple dances from this past weekend with the same woman, very enthusiastic by OMG she was out of control in spots, nearly ripped my left hand little finger out of its socket while she was spinning. I didn't go off at her, but I let her know that hurt but I get the impression it didn't quite register with her.

I doubt if I'll ask her to dance again, Any advice, tips or the like are welcome.

[Some guy]

I'm keen to hear responses to this.  Some times I drop my energy level very suddenly so much that it shocks the lady's energy level to drop as well.  It works most of the time, but not all of the time.  It's the Zen equivalent of becoming water so that you can overcome rock.  However, I'm no Zen master.

[cornutt]

I've told the story over at DF before of the one lady -- an instructor, no less -- whom I won't dance with because she'll keep moving in a certain direction, with as much force as she can muster, until her partner physically restrains her and makes her stop.  I don't know what to do with such partners except just don't ask them to dance.

[elisedance]

I've told the story over at DF before of the one lady -- an instructor, no less -- whom I won't dance with because she'll keep moving in a certain direction, with as much force as she can muster, until her partner physically restrains her and makes her stop.  I don't know what to do with such partners except just don't ask them to dance.

Let go?  you probably only have to do it once...

[QPO]

that is a toughy.....Like you said that you dont dance with them again. but that is tricky especially if you have to go back to the same place often.....I think honesty is the best policy, you dont have to say it in a way that it could be taken in a negative way. then again it could be done it a way that it is too sublte and they miss the point altogether.

could you get the teacher to say something?

[samina]

i either let go, soften my arms so they can't engage with any resistance, or say "oof... you're hurting me, ease up".

one can be be both candid and kind. if they take offense... i trust they can figure out how to nurse their ego wounds. if not... psh... c'est la vie.

[QPO]

yes I beleive that you can tell people it is allin the delivery, they need to know what they are doing is not good and that will hamper them for getting asked further to dance. they may appreicate the heads up and if they don't as Sam says. so be it.....their loss

[cornutt]

could you get the teacher to say something?

The person I'm talking about is an instructor, and my instructor already knows all about her.     Fortunately, she's from out of town, and I only run into her once or twice a year, so avoiding her isn't much of a problem. 

I have occasionally had a follow seriously lean on my right arm, but all of the times it happened, it was someone from a group or venue that is known around town as having a lot of dancers with bad technique.  Easy fix: don't go to those places.

[Some guy]

Cornutt, if a lady is seriously leaning on your arm, the fix, in my opinion, is to make that arm as loose and jello like as possible so that she'll make sure to hold her own weight up.

[skipper]

As a female dancer it can be a a problem. I asked my teacher about it a few years ago---his answer was that I should "turn into a noodle" - in effect remove all energy.
Now my teacher wants 'more connection", "more energy". When it feels extremly physical to me, he thinks it's great----go figure!
Then there is another idea---levels of connection.

[elisedance]

But not through the arms surely SK?  Does your teacher feel ridgid accross his frame?

[dlgodud]

I guess most of time it happens women dancers who just start to dance and have no idea what partner dancing is about. I used to be the one you mentioned. Dancing with excessive force, but not rough. I heard from guys directly or saw that they just decided to not to dance with me anymore. I was wondering at the beginning why they did not ask me to dance because I was not a bad dancer at all. So I realized I had too much force, and sometimes it made guys difficult to lead.

I think the best way is to let the person know in a good way instead of telling her 'you are too strong and have too much force'. I don't think I want to hear that from guys very often.  

[elisedance]

.....So I realized I had too much force, and sometime it made guys difficult to lead.

I think I idenfied another problem....

[Some guy]

I missed that the first time around!  You're too good Elise. 

[samina]

Haha, was sorting thru the paradox of that as well.

I think one of the factors of "excessive forcefulness" is also just that, if a lotta energy is launched, it has to be recaptured and channelled, and a nervous system needs to be trained to handle all that power (information) and move it along, with musicality, without spilling over the edges. And that's no small matter, even if we'd like it to be.

Sometimes I allow power to be launched thru me which I don't yet have the wherewithall to manage well...and a leader dancing with me may very well experience that as "excessive force" on my part. It's like he's got some kinda Wild Thang on his hands which he has to tame. LoLz.

But, well...it's all a process. That's an improvement over giving tame-but-dead energy. Going over the top a bit is part of the continuum of growth.