QUESTION: "Where Do You See Yourself In 5 Years?""Sitting in YOUR chair, at YOUR desk asking YOU this very same idiotic question"
"On the jury casting a guilty vote at your securities fraud trial"
"Doing 5-10 in Leavenworth"
"Vacationing at Bellvue"
"Living on a mountain in a cave and social networking with bears"
QUESTION: "Why are you leaving your current job?"""I refuse to answer that on the grounds that what I say might incinerate me"
"The Knockout Gas industry just ain't what it used to be"
"My administrative assistant has this disturbing obsession with Sonny Tufts movies"
QUESTION: "What are your greatest weaknesses?""Wasting my time subjecting myself to pointless interviews with idiots like you"
QUESTION: "What do you think of your previous boss?""Honestly, she had a good grasp on micro-management and demoralization, but truth be told, she was a LOUSY dancer!"
"He set clear expectations of what was needed, but never told me why he wore two-toned shoes with a grey Armani suit though.
"Further proof that it's not getting any smarter out there"
QUESTION: "Why should I hire you?""My good man, it should be obvious to you why you should hire me, I could rid your division of all the slacker twits in one week's time and still take over YOUR job the next week, saving your company an estimated 250,000 the first year"
"Because you are a HORRIBLE judge of character and wouldn't know a sociopath if they tore off your own arm and beat you with it"
"Without me, you wouldn't stand a chance of getting into the local country club"
QUESTION: "What is your greatest failure and what did you learn from it?""My greatest failure was showing up for this totally pointless interview and giving a myopic twit like you an hour of my life that I can;t have back, and what I learned is that I have every right to walk out the door and will do so right now."
"Not being able to locate an angry grizzly bear to bring along to the interview with me, and they were fresh out of mountain lions too. The lesson, Eduardo's Exotic Animals for Hire is NOT the only game in town"
QUESTION: "How do you explain your gap in employment?""I took a year off and sought enlightenment in the remotest parts of central New Jersey"
"What is your conceptual continuity?"
QUESTION: "When were you the most satisfied in your job?"
"The day I got laid off"
"When that ridiculous drama queen got hers and was fired for putting fish in the microwave"
"When the boss's new Blackberry crashed"
QUESTION: "What did you like least about your last job?""The preponderance of gratuitous e-mails, not to mention COMPLETELY POINTLESS meetings and a narcissistic office manager"
"They stopped serving ice cream on Fridays"
QUESTION: "Describe a time when you didn't get along with a co-worker""It was straight out of Seinfeld, he played Newman to my Seinfeld, he threatened to tell the boss I didn't like golf. So I concocted the GREATEST revenge scheme of all, substituting concrete mix for his laundry detergent AND tying him up and forcing him to listen to The Ray Conniff Singers for hours on end. After that, he NEVER messed with me again"
QUESTION: "What motivates you?""That every day, I have the wonderful opportunity to completely aggravate, harass and completely grind the gears of yuppie idiots like you who ask pointless asinine questions like this"
QUESTION: "How would your friends describe you?"
"A force of nature"
"Best Salsa dancer in town"
"Having an abnormal obsession with late period Perez Prado recordings"
"The poster child for middle age arrested development"
"Virulently liberal"
QUESTION: "What salary are you looking for?""Enough to construct a small home uranium refining facility and remodel my volcano based lair"
"A sufficient sum to draw up papers to have you committed to the nearest psychiatric facility"
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