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Author Topic: Blaming Your Dance Partner  (Read 10992 times)
catsmeow
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« Reply #180 on: November 03, 2009, 09:07:07 PM »

For the most part dance partnerships are not perfect. A year of practising and arguing over technique has left both myself and my partner weary. I posted about this several months ago and received many positive and practical solutions. They have helped. But let me ask others about something that struck me rather hard the other day. Do you and/or your partner like to have the last word in an argument?
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elisedance
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« Reply #181 on: November 03, 2009, 10:39:41 PM »

I let my partner have the last word.

Oh, and I make sure that he knows that I let him have the last word Grin
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Some guy
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« Reply #182 on: November 04, 2009, 12:39:30 AM »

The last word used to be important, until I realized that the last word doesn't define any sort of victory.  Ceding the last word and continuing to practice is the victory.  Easier said than done.
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cornutt
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« Reply #183 on: November 04, 2009, 01:16:01 AM »

The latest cosmological evidence indicates that we may live in an open universe, that will continue expanding forever.  Therefore, there will never be a last word.   Grin
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Lioness
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« Reply #184 on: November 04, 2009, 03:55:38 AM »

We think so in sync, we often say the last word together.

Anyway, today we found out that many of our form problems have been either my fault or his fault, but only because of something we'd had to adapt to because of bad form. It was a neverending circle, basically.

For example, I am plonking onto some of my steps. This is because I'm not in contact with his body, because I havn't stayed on his hip. But it would be much easier for me to stay on his hip if he lowered properly. And lo and behold, he lowers properly and I concentrate on staying on his hip, and everything works so well!

It's great. We've made so many breakthroughs like this and it feels like we're really breaking some bad habits.
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QPO
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« Reply #185 on: November 04, 2009, 04:37:58 AM »

it is often a combination of things that cause a problem....when you find that moment to work them out it is often something that each one is doing...but it is nice when you can work it out.
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Bordertangoman
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« Reply #186 on: November 04, 2009, 04:45:19 AM »

I let my partner have the last word.

Oh, and I make sure that he knows that I let him have the last word Grin

i had a girl friend like that.. after she'd had the last word I would remind her that she'd just had the last word and of course she had to say something else ( usually starting with "but")
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cdnsalsanut
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« Reply #187 on: November 04, 2009, 10:37:51 AM »

I hate statements that begin with but...it's almost always gainsaying and prolongs the argument. People that offer a "yeah but" after everything I say drive me bonkers. I see it as a sign of insecurity, where the person has to trump everything I say, and not only be right but in so doing sort of prove me wrong. I find this kind of conversation escalating and tiresome.

I like the wise old saw:

You can either be right or you can be happy, your choice.
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samina
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« Reply #188 on: November 04, 2009, 11:55:00 AM »

I let my partner have the last word.

Oh, and I make sure that he knows that I let him have the last word Grin

very funny. good tactic.
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elisedance
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« Reply #189 on: November 04, 2009, 02:34:38 PM »

The latest cosmological evidence indicates that we may live in an open universe, that will continue expanding forever.  Therefore, there will never be a last word.   Grin
Then it would seem that 'forever' is the top candidate as the last word...
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elisedance
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« Reply #190 on: November 04, 2009, 02:38:17 PM »


You can either be right or you can be happy, your choice.

ah.... but whoever coined this did not think it through since they are destined to not be happy:
(if they are right, then they are now not happy.  If we are happy and not right then they are still right and are still not happy....

nice puzzle Smiley 
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

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Rugby
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« Reply #191 on: November 04, 2009, 06:33:48 PM »

What is the last word?  Perhaps you have finished with what you are saying and the other has not.  Or, perhaps you don't listen and they have to repeat themselves in hopes that you may pay attention to their point.  Or, perhaps they realize that you didn't understand what they were saying and are trying to rephrase it so that you will.  Or, perhaps the other person is not trying to get the last word at all and you just assume this.  I would suspect this is more the truth.  Next time maybe your DP should give their statement and when you answer they can say, oh, of course you want the last word.  See, it all depends on what your perspective of what last word is.  Also, you didn't tell us why they seem to have to get in the last word.   

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elisedance
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« Reply #192 on: November 05, 2009, 06:16:28 AM »

I think its just the perception that the one who states their opinion last (and hence is not contradicted) is... right.  Obviously that is not true but we are talking not about facts here but dominance.  Undecided
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If you must leave the house, go build a home...

The limit of your love is also the limit of your art...
Rugby
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« Reply #193 on: November 05, 2009, 06:02:55 PM »

I care for and respect my partner deeply but he he assumes I am thinking things I am not.  Some of the things he mentions have not even crossed my mind and I am becoming bitter and frustrated at the accuasations.  I start to try and get my point across or defend myself and he gets angry because I am going on too much, and I probably am, but I feel like I have to try and somehow keep rewording it to get him to understand.  Let me put it another way.

I will equate it to a woman whose husband hears her say another man's name in her sleep and so assumes she must be cheating on him.  In the morning she absolutely has no idea of what he is talking about.  Arguments arise as she becomes frustrated at his assumption and the more she tries to convince him that she is not thinking or doing what he assumes, the more he is convinced she is just trying to create a smoke screen.  After awhile he starts to look for evidence of guilt in her actions or words and the next thing you know the marriage is in trouble.  For the woman resentment builds up that she is being hanged for an act that she did not commit and is hurt by his lack of trust and not being able to convince him of her devotiion.  Tit for tat develops and finally others are brought into the situation in attempt to try and get help.  She may be wrong doing this but she is desperate to save the marriage as she really does want to stay with him, and some of her ideas have backfired and made things worse.  She is trying to figure out a way of creating the trust and mutual respect that they had before.

I don't care if it is my partner or I that is better at a move, I'm just glad one of us can do it, nor do I want to have it where one of us is considered right or wrong.  We are a team in a three-legged race and we have to work together to be able to run the race, let alone win.  Sometimes he has to hold me up and at other times I will him, that is what a partnership is.  We are both going to be right or wrong at some time and since we live in dancing glass houses neither should nor has the right to be throwing stones, it's too destructive and you waste too much timing repairing your house.  My partner does not believe I think this way and I feel like I have to hook myself up to a lie detector or put my hand on the bible to prove it.  Even if he reads this he will probably think I am trying to look blameless to everyone here and he is the one with the problems but that is not true at all.  A good partnership goes through thick and thin and it is realizing how lucky you are to have each other and knowing that you will be there for each other through it all that is important. 
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Everyone tries to rush up through the syllabus levles and think once they are at the top they have arrived.  What they don't realize is that by doing this it is like skimming through a book, you may get the gist but you will never understand the story.
samina
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« Reply #194 on: November 05, 2009, 06:16:53 PM »

yep... "projection"... parter dancing relationships are a rich opportunity to own our projections. Smiley

rugby, if attempts to defend and clarify are getting too tangled up (what a nightmare... we've all been there!), mebbe next time this happens try a simple mirroring response and say simply that what he seems to have heard is not what you meant to express. no explanation, just a quiet comment and then "space" for him to hear his own thoughts or think upon what you said. this could go on all evening if it keeps coming up... ''no... that's not quite what i was meant... i have a different intention behind my thoughts".

there's no "tat" for his "tit", but definite feedback that the two of you haven't quite communicated. it may pave the way, without resistance to each other, for a new clarity between the two of you...

or not. but non-resistance does have a magical quality that eventually leads *somewhere* good. Cheesy
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